Breast Cancer - My Family's Journey

Results, and other - more important news...

We acquire the strength we have overcome. 

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Today I got the call from the radioligist's office.

The spots they found were just that...fiberous tissue

NOT CANCER!

I am so happy to put that behind me.

But I have to say that I have a heavy heart.

I am sure that you all have heard about the young Canterbury basketball player that was the lone survivor of a small plane crash this weekend.He is in critical but stable condition.  His dad and stepmom didn't make it.

I know that when I heard the news all I could say was "I don't believe it  - lightening doesn't strike the same place twice - how could this happen?"

If you aren't familiar with his story - Austin was in a plane crash in 2003 that resulted in the deaths of his mother, sister and brother. He and his dad were the only survivors. Austin was 8 at the time, I believe.

Austin Hatch was a student of Dan's this year and he always talked about what a great kid Austin is and how proud of him he is. He has said on more than one occasion that he hopes our boys grow into the kind of person Austin is - a great all around kid and a superb athlete (he was only a sophomore this year and he has already verbally committed to play basketball at U of Michigan when he graduates)

I ask you all now to pray for complete recovery for Austin.  Pray for his emotional recovery from the tragic loss of his parents as well as physical recovery from all his injuries. He needs us all now more than ever.

You can keep up with his progress through Caring Bridge.

If children have the ability to ignore all odds and percentages, then maybe we can all learn from them.  When you think about it, what other choice is there but to hope?  We have two options, medically and emotionally:  give up, or fight like hell. 

~Lance Armstrong

PLEASE HELP SPREAD THE WORD...

I know that I haven't posted in awhile, but if you can please help spread the word in the search for this young girl... go to this facebook link and attend this event to help spread the word on Facebook  Find Lauren Spierer

 

Thank you all so much for being there for me...now let's do our best to help find Lauren!

The Small Stuff...

This is what life is all about....

I know that you can't really tell from the photo but my house is a mess!!!

It drives me insane  that it always looks like the aftermath of a tornado that ripped through my family room.

but seriously - does there have to be a toy on the floor of EVERY room in my house?

I know that I am outnumbered, but c'mon boys, I need some serenity. some CLEANLINESS

I am seriously considering selling a body part so that I can afford a cleaning lady---cause I am sure you all know that I am feeling WAY to lazy to actually do something about it.

This balloon brought so much joy to Andrew, he is a little obsessive about balloons.

so we kept it around till it literally died. He looked for it for two days after I finally got rid of it.

And Michael has discovered his love for roller skating.

Here I was thinking I was being mother of the year and getting him all geared up with padding and a helmet. and what  do I get in return...Mommy, can I take this off - no one else has a helmet on?

and since he was only falling on his fanny, I let him.

He was so happy and I was on pins & needles.

but then it dawned on me -

I never wore a helmet to go roller skating

Dan used to obsess over weird stuff

We both turned out ok.

My house may be messy, but it is filled with love and LOTS of laughter.

I can't wait till that jeep moves outside.

I am so looking forward to watching Andrew go crazy when we finally get to fly kites.

I may still hire a cleaning lady. (Merry Maids-here I come)

It feels good to sweat the small stuff again.

New Beginnings

I've been doing a lot of thinking the past few weeks...

thinking about what it means to be a strong woman, a good wife and a good mother.

over and over people keep telling me how strong and brave I have been throughout my treatment, how amazing it is to be going through what I am going through while working and being a mother and wife.

My response has always been the same - I do it because I have to. I can't stop being who I am just because I have cancer.

But last week, something changed...

last week I actually became the strong woman that so many of you see in me.

Last week I finally left my job.

It has been a long time coming and I still can't believe that I put myself first.

I put my children first.

I put my husband first.

No one can fully recover from a life changing illness when she is constantly worried about how taking the time away from her job to heal will affect people.

SO... after finally having that revelation, I made the change.

and I have to say that once my head finally cleared I feel so good.

work opportunities have come my way and I am so happy to be open to them.  I am truly looking forward to beginning a new career at a place that values the whole person (cancer and all that comes with it).

I have spent afternoons with Michael, and Andrew is sweeter than ever.

and Dan...

I think he is finally starting to recognize me again.

I told you that I have high hopes for this year...I can see them starting to come to fruition.

 

It's not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are.
       - Roy Disney

 

FRIENDS...

So today I was thinking about my friend Val.

Her husband, Wayne, lost his battle with cancer.

I have tried to put myself in her place, but as much as I try, I just can't bring myself to imagine Dan and the boys without me here.

I don't know what she is going through and I am grateful to God everyday that my own battle with cancer has an end in sight with me as the victor.

My heart aches for her and there is so much that I want to do - that I wish I could do for her to make her pain a little less, even for just a moment.

That is why I am so thrilled to tell you about her friend Jami.

I only met Jami once - last year just after my own diagnosis - and I know that she is exactly the kind of friend that I want in my corner.

The kind of friend that will go not only the extra mile but as far as she needs to go to see that I get what I need most, when I can't seem to do it for myself.  

Jami - with some help from Matilda Jane put together an amazing online auction to help our friend in need -

to get Val the help she needs during the MOST DIFFICULT time of her life. 

  Click Here to Learn More

I hope that you'll get online February 28th when it starts and help an amazing woman who needs it now more than ever.

and please say a prayer for Val and her little ones...

God does hear their names often, but certainly not enough right now.

 

"In the day of my trouble I will call to you, for you will answer me".

~Psalm 86:7

 

 

Radiation...

So Yesterday I met again with my radiation oncologist...

The idea of radiation is truly fascinating. It is amazing how the beams can be manipulated so that they only radiate the small area that is affected by cancer. I wish that it was all I had to do (instead of chemo & surgery). Life certainly would be easier right now.

but - back to yesterday...

I met with the doctor and we did the "prep" before I actually begin the radiation.

First they created a mold so that I am in the same position for every treatment. after the mold was created they made some marks on the areas that will be treated and did a CT scan to make sure they have everything in the right place. after that was completed, I got tattooed.

Yep, I got my first tattoo(s).I know you're jealous...

Seriously though, they are the smallest things you could imagine. they look like freckles. but, they are there nonetheless. oh, and I got painted with bright blue paint marker. Michael thinks it's cool. I feel like a doodle pad gone wild. I won't post any pics of that though...too much for your viewing pleasure.

I will officially start my radiation schedule next week. It will be EVERY DAY for the next six weeks!

I will keep my eye on the prize though...I am ALMOST done with all this stuff. I will be so happy when all I have to do is get my Herceptin infusion every three weeks.

Before I sign off tonight - I need to put out a HUGE thank you to everyone that has been there for us.

To you who provided meals when we needed them the most but were too proud to ask...You who took it upon yourselves to send us things that you knew would make my boys lives a little easier and and my recovery from surgery much more comfortable...To you who drove me anywhere I needed to go when I felt like a prisoner in my home after surgery...and to my friends who didn't wait for me to call and ask for help - you were just there.

I don't think that I will get personal notes to all of you that have given us the gift of friendship, but I want you all to know that I (and my family) feel so blessed to have been shown God's grace through all of you.

THANK YOU, Thank You, thank you.

Faith makes things possible, not easy.  ~Author Unknown

Snow Days...

This has been a CRAZY week!!!

My Sis in law at Matilda Jane posted the results of the Tiny Sparrow Foundation fundraiser that her company ran. The Chelsa knot dresses and Claire Bear hats raised more than $13,000 for Tiny Sparrow. I feel so honored to have such wonderful people in my life. and even more humbled by the fact that Denise is family. She and Matilda Jane do so much every day to change peoples lives for the better and this fundraiser was just a small part of the goodness that comes from her team. 

If you don't already obsess over Matilda Jane, check out their site here Matilda Janeand while you're at it, check out my friend Val's blog here.In the Moment Photography  (her daughter is the inspiration for the Claire Bear hat). And be sure to check out the Tiny Sparrow Foundation too. They do amazing photography for the families of children with life threatening illnesses.

Now on to the craziness...

Monday, I met with my radiologist...love him. He doesn't sugar coat anything - although I almost left my appointment with the impression that he thought I was overweight (which I am) and diabetic (which I certainly am not). Then I realized that he was just going through his little checklist of things to go over with me (at least I hope so).  Anyway, I think that he is very straight forward and that is exactly what I want in my medical team. I don't like them to beat around the bush and make things seem prettier than they are. 

on that note - he did say that he was going to prescribe exercise for me. how much more straightforward can you get than that?

Andrew went to the pediatrician and he has a double ear infection...poor baby! he has been on medication since Monday and he seems to be doing a bit better now. Although the goopy eyes and nose are still very present.

    today, he decided that he was going to climb the hearth - the top is a good 1^1/2 feet off the ground...and it's granite. I think some days I almost envy moms of little girls. do you all have to deal with the couch jumping, wall climbing antics like I do? It's nerve wrecking! The rule in my house for the last few years has been "if you get hurt - you're in trouble". It has worked well for 3 year old Michael. He doesn't get hurt much - not from lack of trying though. Someone is always flying through the air in my family room.

Case in point- Andrew decided that he wanted the dog's toy.  Who knows how it got on top of his cage in the first place. I looked over at him and to my horror - this is what I saw. and yes, those wheels do work.

Did I immediately run to him to protect him from getting hurt? NO WAY! I grabbed the camera of course. So when he ends up with some strange bruise, I have proof that he is just like his brother - a daredevil among daredevils. I guess the apple doesn't fall far... remember he just turned 1 last week.

And Michael -

He is in his room kicking the walls right now because he refuses to go to sleep! this has become his new nightly activity. and as long as he doesn't wake up his brother - I am going to ignore it. He'll probably be up till 11 tonight and he will be up tomorrow by 8am. Where this kid gets his energy is beyond me.

Tuesday, Dan & Michael built the cutest little snowman when they were shoveling the walk. Michael is so proud of it. I tried to get a good picture of it today, but the blizzard didn't really help .

and today (snow day #2) after Dan shoveled again they went sledding for about 1/2 an hour. Poor Michael, The snow was so deep that when he got home his feet were soaked. and we had to put the heating pad around his little toes to warm them up. a heating pad and a little hot cocoa with marshmallows always does the trick!

Well, I go back to work next week and I start radiation hopefully in the next two weeks. Since my surgery, I don't have full range of motion on my left side. I can't get radiation until I can put my arm over my head. I gotta tell you, it hurts! I have to stretch a little more every day - and it is not fun! but like they say...no pain no gain.

Enjoy the snow...and stay safe.

the big ONE...

tomorrow he turns 1.

it seems like just yesterday he was born.

he is so squishy and happy that he lights up the room.

when I think about him, my heart smiles.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANDREW!!!

 

Home, sweet home...

It is so nice to be home from the hospital.

If you have never had a prolonged hospital stay, I can say - with certainty - that although it is nice to have round the clock care at the push of a button, it gets very old very fast.

I would much rather be home with nothing to do than in the hospital. Now don't think that it was a bad experience, it was just the the opposite. The nurses were amazing and my doctors are the best. But when you feel good enough to be home that is exactly where you want to be - home.

I came home last Friday and If you saw me, you would think that I look like a little old lady...hunched over.

I still can't stand up straight...it is a fairly slow recovery. The Doctor described it like a rubber band - I have to stretch a little bit everyday and eventually I will be straight up. It hurts to do it but it also hurts my back to bend at the hip.

but no pain - no gain

being home all day also takes it's toll. especially when you're used to going, going, going all the time. I have caught up on all the daytime tv I will ever want to watch.

Hopefully I will be allowed to drive next week. so I can out of my house!

on a brighter note...

My boys are keeping me entertained at night. the other night, while Jonesy's pillow was in the wash, Andrew climbed into his cage. Michael, being the ever present big brother couldn't let him enjoy it by himself so he climbed in too.

Well,

I am off to watch "Eat Pray Love".

hopefully it will keep me from dying of boredom.

Michael...

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. 

~Ambrose Redmoon

 

Tuesday, as my family waits patiently, I will begin the next leg of my journey.

I will have a modified radical mastectomy with immediate TRAM flap reconstruction.

The surgery will be six hours long and I will wake up with a new breast and a new tummy to boot - I knew that I was packing on the pounds for a reason -

I  have been spending the past week trying to prepare Michael for my absence and the recovery. It has been weighing heavily on my heart what he must be going through. I was put a little at ease after our conversation today.

It went something like this:

Me - tomorrow I am going to stay at the hospital for a few days so that the doctors can get the rest of the cancer out.

Michael - Mommy are the doctors going to cut the cancer out of your booby?

Me - yes...they will get it out of my booby.

Michael - Are they going to give you a new booby?

Me - yes they are.

Michael - Where do they get a new booby from?

Me -  from my tummy.

Michael - How?

Me - I don't really know.

Michael - Are you going to like it?

Me - I sure hope so!

He has obviously given this some thought.

 

Andrew...

Andrew was trying to feed himself the other day so I grabbed the camera.

I knew that he was looking more like Michael but these pictures are uncanny.

Andrew at 11 months old...

 

Michael at 11 months old...  

  I just love all their gooeyness at this age.

I can't believe that Andrew is going to be 1 year old in a few short weeks.

I am a little sad that I won't be having the big 1st birthday bash for him because I will be recovering from surgery.

I am quite sure that I forgot to mention that my mastectomy is going to happen next week.

Tuesday.

I am also having immediate reconstruction so I will be home for a few weeks recovering.

Sooo, no birthday party.

I'm sure we'll have a small family gathering to at least give him a cake for the big photo op.

That poor guy, he has been really cheated his first year.

good thing he'll never remember it.

 

2011...

Welcome 2011!

With 2010 finally behind us, it feels good to finally say "so long last year!"

but I have to keep in mind that 2010 started out the best way possible...

Andrew was born - and he is just amazing!

He has hit all of his milestones and he even took his 1st four steps on New Year's eve.

I can't believe how much he has grown! some days I feel like I have missed so much of him - then I get to spend an afternoon just hanging out and he just blows my mind!

and Michael - What can I say about this wonderful boy?

He has taken my cancer as well as any three year old can and he has thrived this year! (my deepest gratitude to all of you who helped keep him moving forward).

Michael potty trained this year, learned to write his name, and count to 30. good manners are 2nd nature to him - and man does he have some dance moves. that little guy can really shake a tail feather!

 

and Dan...

2010 has been the hardest year of his life.

He had to watch me go through the hardest year of my life and there was nothing, nothing he could do to fix it. I have no idea how he got through it.

probably the same way I did...he just did it.

Cancer is hard. It has really tested us.

more than either of us ever thought it would.

I got by with a lot of faith and of course this blog to vent. I have taken out a lot of my anger and frustration on Dan. and what did he do?

what does he still do?

He takes it. He takes it because he knows that it is the cancer, it is the medications, and the setbacks - not me. I am not myself.

I don't know if I will ever be myself again.

For his sake I hope that I can get back to being me, back to the girl that loves to hang out and laugh or go for a walk with no destination in mind...

back to the girl that is truly happy with herself when she looks in the mirror...

the girl that is honestly happy when she smiles...

So he just takes it.

because he knows that I will be her again.

2011 -

I have high hopes for you.

 

 

 

 

The night before...

T'was the night before Christmas...and all was great.

The children were fed and it wasn't very late...

Michael set out the cookies, Andew's diaper was changed.

Then off to bed they went without acting deranged.

Mommy cleaned while Daddy wrapped,

Then we finally settled down for the short Christmas eve nap.

We're excited for tomorrow, when the boys jump out of bed...

and see all the presents left by the man in red.

Merry Christmas to you all... we hope your celebration is great!

Our family is looking forward to 2011 (we can hardly wait).

Merry Christmas & have a blessed New Year!!!

Small Blessings...

We have been blessed with so many gifts.

Friends have been coming out of the woodwork. I really mean it - it seems like everyday I run into someone that I have been planning to call or email.

Take last Saturday for instance...

I was going to the Mocha Lounge for my very much needed latte and I always go to the drive through. But that day I decided to go inside instead.

I ran into photographer extraordinaire - Betsy King - and her gorgeous 4 month old daughter. She has a son Michael's age, and she did our family photos last year.

Anyway, we talked for a minute and she asked if she could shoot my family for our Christmas cards.

Of course I said yes!

Now don't go thinking that you can get a session booked with her, she is on an open - ended maternity leave. So jealous! She did our shoot as a gift. LOVE HER!!!

 

I love the photo, although I don't really love the wig...but my boys are beautiful and that is all that matters to me.

Today I met with my surgeon.

I meet with the plastic surgeon on Thursday.

Friday and Saturday I will celebrate Christmas with my entire family. I am so excited for this weekend!

Sometime in the next few weeks I will have a modified radical mastectomy of my left breast.

I don't know how long recovery will be, so you see this photo shoot came just in time.

just in time to capture my family before the next phase begins, before the pain and hardship of recovery.

For now we are just that happy family in the photo.

Thank you, Betsy.

Thank you.

 

 

 

 

December...

Today we woke up to SNOW!!!

Beautiful snow...how we love the snow.

What a perfect way to welcome December. It really puts you in the holiday spirit, doesn't it?

My tree is up (although not decorated yet) and the cutest wreath on the planet is on it's way - I'll post a pic as soon as it arrives.

oh, and one more thing...

Today was my LAST chemotherapy treatment!

I cannot express how overjoyed I am.

The road is still long to full recovery, but I am staying the course.

Next week I have my 3 month Echo-gram. I will assume that my heart is up to the challenge of surgery.

We meet with the surgeon again in two weeks to discuss all our options...I'll keep you posted.

HAPPY DECEMBER...

I Hope you all make time to go out and play in the SNOW.