finding clarity...

I have been doing a lot of soul searching these past few weeks. 

I am still angry but I think I am starting to find some peace.

a couple of girlfriends came over last night to catch up -

we cried a lot.

we laughed a lot too.

we talked about my diagnosis, how I found out it was back, what the doctors said, etc...

but one question really stood out - my dear friend asked me "how do you keep it from consuming you, how do you function?" 

my response was "I just have to, if not for me then for my boys. My job in this life is to be their mother first. letting it consume me is not an option."

you see, she lost her mother to cancer not so long ago and I can only imagine how hard it is on her to have a friend  get this diagnosis when her own loss is still so fresh. 

I love her dearly and my heart aches for her.

talking this week has really given me some clarity  -

I have decided that maybe this isn't all about me after all.

maybe it is about my children.

I know it sounds crazy...

but maybe, just maybe, one of my boys will discover the cure for cancer and my getting sick is the catalyst that sets it in motion.

only God knows the answer.

But wouldn't it be amazing if I am right?

...

Tomorrow I begin chemo.

It is going to be a very long day - my mom is here to help me get through it.

I am so glad she is here. 

I hope I don't vomit. that really sucks.

Comments

[Hboyce]

Overwhelming grace and, yes, it would be totally amazing! P.S. I hope you don't vomit because that really sucks! Mama Hope