moving forward...

Why is it so hard to get the words to come out right this time?

the last time we went through this I had no trouble finding something good to say  -  and you all know me, I am a firm believer in not saying anything if I can't say something nice.

I want to tell you about how Michael and Andrew are doing in school,  that I am FINALLY getting a Kuerig (so excited), about the awesome projects that Dan finished this summer.

But I can't...

I am too angry to be positive.

I am angry that I was naive to think that we were past this.

I am angry that I can't get the reality of my mortality out of my head.

I am infuriated that I can't pick up my baby - the lesion on my l4 vertabrae caused a compression fracture.

I hate the fact that I am going to lose my hair  - again.

...

but I want you to know that in spite of all my anger - 

I am so deeply touched and honored to have all of you lifting my family up in prayer.

I want you to know that although I can't possibly respond to everyone - I have read every single message you all have sent and I have fought back the tears (not very successfully) from reading your kind and encouraging words.  

I truly had no idea that I have touched so many people.

You all have inspired me too.

so I will keep moving forward

because above all other things, I am and I need to continue to be ...

- a mother - a wife - a sister - a daughter - a friend 

Thank you for reminding me of that.

Comments

[Lenelle Morse]

Hey Cutie,
I just heard the latest and realized that I had your blog from the last "go-round". All of us breast cancer girls wonder when that other shoe is going to drop and I'm so so sorry that you found out. I have no words of wisdom because I can't imagine how scary this is but please know that all of us who care so deeply for you and Dan are lifting you up and wanting to carry you around on a velvet pillow. I agree with Erin; wig, hair, whatever, you're adorable.

[Gene Wright]

My friend.. my family.. like my daughter.. as you know I do not couch my words or thoughts that is why it is easy for me to say : There is no doubt in my mind or our collective mind ( Judith and I ) that when it comes to pure guts and incentives.. you my dear personify it all. You can and will defy the odds.. defy the nay sayers and come out the other side weak but proud. God loves you and we love you as much.

[Jamisono76]

Chelsa,
I drive bus for Canterbury and also take care of the boys for "Lunch Bunch". Just wanted you to know that I have been praying for you and think of you often. My uncle had cancer and I took care of him and his children while my Aunt worked. PLEASE, if you need help...just ask.
Love and prayers,
Jamie Ohneck

[Therubyslippers1939]

My dearest Chelsa.
We have not ever been in contact to my knowledge. I do not even know what to say. I work with Dan at the H.S. I am the day time custodian. I am very much in touch with your situation. Put your trust and faith in God...And With all the prayers we are all sending.You WILL get you through this. From what I understand. You are one of the most loving and gentle women on this planet. You have sooo many of us praying and sending healing energy to you. Don't give into hopelessness. Fight this with every angry emotion you can muster up. You will overcome. IF GOD brings you to it. He WILL get you through it.You need all the support and healing prayer you can get. I am going to put you on my Catholic prayer line also. Darlin I KNOW you and yours are going through a most horrific time. But don't give up. Fight with all your might.
May God keep blessing you, with all of us who are truly going to see you and yours through this. If I can do anything to assist you PLEASE have Dan let me know. My thoughts my prayers and LOVE to you and yours.
Sincerely.
Teri A. Kitchen. Custodian. Canterbury High School

[Anaztasia7]

I just discovered your blog today. I am so sorry for all that you and your family have been through. I am so tired of cancer invading our lives and taking our loved ones. I recently attended a photography exhibit by a man named Angelo Merendino. His wife, Jennifer, was diagnosed with breast cancer 5 months after they were married. He took photos to document their battle. The photos serve as a testament to Jen's love of life, and to the love that she and Angelo shared. Their love was magical. The photos are so moving and beautiful. Check them out.
http://mywifesfightwithbreastcancer.com/

So much love and light to you and your family. Keep strong, even though I'm sure it's difficult. I can only imagine what you're going through. Just know that there are people out here thinking of you.

[Hboyce]

Overwhelming grace as you continue your journey! Keep up the good fight of not letting metastatic breast cancer define who you are! You are so much more ... a mother - a wife - a sister - a daughter - a friend - an inspiration to others!

[Erin Mauch]

You truly are an inspiration, you are not alone, and you look so cute without hair...:)